And the Rollercoaster of Emotions I’ve been over the moon with excitement for my first shot of testosterone but I woke up around 3:30 this morning and was overcome by anxiety. In complete darkness, everything hit me at once and to go through with this felt absolutely overwhelming and impossible. I would be lying ifContinue reading “My First Shot of Testosterone”
Author Archives: Christian
The Silver Lining in Being Misgendered
After being on hiatus, I was finally back in yoga class but excitement soon turned to mortification as I endured the most awkward experience of misgendering. As the teacher announced that class was about to start, she glanced around the entire room and realized there were no guys present. Starting a conversation to theContinue reading “The Silver Lining in Being Misgendered”
Death Bed Regret
Easy it is to fear regret when making a life altering decision. Parents dread their kids will regret transitioning. Even transgender people worry of regretting their decisions. I know I did: What if taking testosterone is a mistake? What if I miss living as a woman? But let me ask you: What if you regretContinue reading “Death Bed Regret”
A Million Ways to be Trans
There is no right or wrong way to be transgender nor must you fit into a binary. There is no one way to be trans and no such thing as being “not trans enough”. Gender is not binary; it is on a spectrum. We have been led to believe that gender consists of a ridgedContinue reading “A Million Ways to be Trans”
Being Enough
From the moment we enter kindergarten, we learn that life is an evaluation. We validate and confirm who we are based on how others define us- funniest, smartest, most likely to be successful, perfect attendance, most likable, most talented. We enter coloring contests before we can even color inside the lines then learn that chaotic,Continue reading “Being Enough”
Being Transgender is Not “Just a Phase”
Let’s change the negative language and therefore, the stigma of being transgender Is this a phase? Parents commonly ask when their child comes out as transgender. It is most likely not a phase. More on this here: https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-understanding-the-basics For most parents this news usually comes as a shock but likely, the child contemplated their genderContinue reading “Being Transgender is Not “Just a Phase””
Trump the Disrupter
Your wrecking ball is my opportunity to become stronger. January 2016 Donald Trump was inaugurated today. After the election and depression that followed, I sunk into a state of denial – surely, a greater force- some higher justice would not let this man into a position of power, right? As I sit here unable toContinue reading “Trump the Disrupter”
Aftermath of Coming out as Transgender
What would you change if you could live life over? What does love feel like to you? Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Why do people take each other for granted? Do you wonder who I really am when nobody is looking? Do you ever just stare at the ceiling andContinue reading “Aftermath of Coming out as Transgender”
Let’s Talk About Sex
Being transgender and going from an estrogen to a testosterone-run system gave me a greater opportunity to analyze sexual stereotypes, gender roles, and our current culture of sex. The vast majority of trans guys will experience a huge increase in sex drive upon starting testosterone therapy (HRT). The frequency of sexual fantasies increase, as doesContinue reading “Let’s Talk About Sex”
Things I Wish I’d Known Before Transitioning
“How can you know what you’re capable of if you don’t embrace the unkown?” ― Esmeralda Santiago Changes may come much slower (or faster!) than what you see on YouTube. People who are posting on YouTube likely have quick changes from testosterone. Some people take a few months to pass full time as male, others takeContinue reading “Things I Wish I’d Known Before Transitioning”
How Manly is Man Enough?
“These pains you feel are messengers, listen to them.” -Rumi No doubt my body has changed but testosterone will never completely eradicate my insecurities nor will it give anybody the ideal, perfect male physique. Testosterone will never narrow my wide hips that developed during puberty. Fat redistribution was more subtle than I envisioned prior toContinue reading “How Manly is Man Enough?”
Fear and Reward of Going on Testosterone
The decision to start hormone replacement therapy which entails weekly intramuscular testosterone injections into the thigh, was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. In the beginning, especially without new language to describe gender, it was hard to explain what being trans felt like. Paralyzed by the conundrum – if I couldn’t even understand howContinue reading “Fear and Reward of Going on Testosterone”
The Cost of Being Gendered as Male
Transitioning in the midst of a decade long photography project, presents an opportunity to see how differently people relate to me as a man vs. a woman. Enjoying a day off, I decided to swing by the Weirdest little Church in Texas, check out their volunteer program and hopefully capture a few shots on camera.Continue reading “The Cost of Being Gendered as Male”
Will I Regret Testosterone?
I worried for years that taking testosterone or “transitioning” could be the wrong decision. What if NOT taking testosterone is the wrong decision? What if I came out to everybody then changed my mind? What if this was a mistake but I had permanent changes? What if I looked in the mirror and hated theContinue reading “Will I Regret Testosterone?”
Positive Perspective for Parents of Transgender Children
Can transgender children grow up to live happy lives? “I don’t want my child to be transgender because I don’t want them to have a difficult life.” This is one of the most frequent things I hear parents say once they realize their child is transgender. Parents grieve “the good life” for their child, assumingContinue reading “Positive Perspective for Parents of Transgender Children”
Invisible Miracles
What I learned from “top surgery” Preoccupied by the outside of my body, I was distracted by the superficial parts of the body, visible to the eye. After going through surgery and instead, being so focused on what the “inside” of the body is capable of, I whole-heartedly believe that waking up each day toContinue reading “Invisible Miracles”
My White Privilege
Understanding Systemic Racism What a tragic week of murder and chaos this has been after months of coronavirus fear and quarantine. It’s all been weighing on me – the sadness, not knowing what to do or how to feel but also, not attending the protests. I made the decision early on to sit out theContinue reading “My White Privilege”
My Journey to Becoming a Life Coach
Turning Differences into Superpowers As children, everyone tells us, “Just follow your dreams!” or “You can be anything you want to be if you just put your mind to it!” Early on in life we stop believing this. It just becomes another childhood lie, like Santa Clause or the Easter bunny and slowly dreams fadeContinue reading “My Journey to Becoming a Life Coach”
On the Spectrum of Gender
Becoming Me Do you think you might be transgender but you aren’t sure? It is okay to be unsure. If there is one thing, I wish someone had told me while I was trying to figure out my gender identity, it’s this – Having a different narrative from most other transgender people does not invalidateContinue reading “On the Spectrum of Gender”
Coloring Outside the Lines
Beautiful butterfly emerging from my cocoon and you act blind. Precious sense of sight you waste; powerful gift of speech, decays. I feel invisible. Challenges and triumphs go unnoticed. I am not the butterfly; I am the elephant in the room. I miss being a child – all I had to do was exist andContinue reading “Coloring Outside the Lines”
Suicide With a Cat’s Perspective
I see the woman in you and this is what I learned from her. Thank you, Beautiful Woman. I stumbled upon the goodbye letter of another writer a week ago which made excruciatingly clear, an all too common reality for transgender people – suicide. Pieces of the six-page letter are written below (her blog wasContinue reading “Suicide With a Cat’s Perspective”
Brightest Bird of the Flock
“In nature, a flock will attack any bird that is more colorful than the others because being different is seen as a threat,” – Wrabel The greatest gift a mother could have – a daughter, and I’m stealing that gift away. I feel her heart breaking- everyone’s heart breaking as I am transforming, evolving, reinventingContinue reading “Brightest Bird of the Flock”
All the Answers Inside
Thoughts on Being Transgender From a More Spiritual Perspective I admit, I’ve had trouble writing lately. More specifically, I’ve had trouble writing about the material world, the physical body and matters of the ego. I’ve been on a more spiritual journey for a while now – getting into yoga, meditation, ecstatic dance, astrology and gettingContinue reading “All the Answers Inside”
What is Success Anyway?
Unraveling the Expectations of Hormone Replacement Therapy A great deal of time had to pass after starting testosterone before I was able to feel content with my transition. Guys around me who had been on testosterone for half the time, sported tons of facial hair and a deep voice. My voice did eventually drop more,Continue reading “What is Success Anyway?”
Scars We Bare Forever
It’s 2:30 in the morning and I can’t get back to sleep. I woke up with a sinking feeling as if I’d just emerged from a nightmare. I’m feeling smothered by an unusually low feeling, uncharacteristic of the past weeks where I’d been overtaken by gratitude and positivity for everything and anything. Yesterday all theContinue reading “Scars We Bare Forever”
A Reflection that Matches My Mind’s Eye
I thought I would have to get used to not having breasts. After surgery, I kept waiting for it to “sink in” or to be overwhelmed with emotion at some point. Perhaps I’d feel like a different, newly reinvented person, or maybe even mourn the loss of part of my body? Realizations never set in. Continue reading “A Reflection that Matches My Mind’s Eye”
Going Under the Knife
My decision to have “top surgery” I know people secretly wonder: So why did you do it? Why did you have surgery to remove your breasts? The deeper answer is that I wanted my body to match how I have always seen myself in my mind. I feel like a male who removed a defectContinue reading “Going Under the Knife”
Lost in Translation?
How to Come Out to a 96-Year-Old Grandmother “Coming out” to family members proved most difficult, seemed surreal and caused me to second guess myself – Am I sure this is really me? Do I really want to open up this can of worms? Am I delusional and making this all up? Is this aContinue reading “Lost in Translation?”
What Does it Mean to Live a Good Life?
Take a Walk in Someone Else’s Shoes For years I’ve intermittently worked on a personal photography project of homeless people. I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for the downtrodden and being transgender, I realize we have a lot in common which gives me a sense of solidarity. People don’t understand us. WeContinue reading “What Does it Mean to Live a Good Life?”
The Overrated Idea of Being “Man Enough”
Contemplating the nuances of what is means to be a man Today was one of the best days of my life; I played pick up soccer with the guys, AS a guy. “Hey dude”, “hey man”, “he”, they all said. They saw me as one of them, as one of the guys. It was theContinue reading “The Overrated Idea of Being “Man Enough””
Dear Dad, I Still Need You.
It’s lonely being transgender and feeling estranged from your parents. I want to feel accepted and loved unconditionally. I wish you could see that I am still the same human you have always known. I might look different but inside I am still your little child. I realize that I sit here listening to musicContinue reading “Dear Dad, I Still Need You.”
So Do You Wish You had a Penis?
“So, do you wish you had a penis?” my therapist of a year asked me. “I don’t know.” “So, you don’t want a penis?” she pressed further with a slight re-wording of her question as if semantics would make me crumble and admit my most buried of secrets. As her question hung in the air,Continue reading “So Do You Wish You had a Penis?”
The What-Ifs of Starting Testosterone
I crave it but I’m scared… The decision to start hormone replacement therapy which entails weekly intramuscular testosterone injections into the thigh, was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. It also remains the best decision I’ve ever made. Testosterone makes me feel like my body and mind are running on the correct fuel. Continue reading “The What-Ifs of Starting Testosterone”
My Body, The Cage
I want my body to change so bad that my soul hurts. Screaming inside, I feel helpless, inside this body that is my cage. Stranded at a loss; I can’t move. I don’t want to talk. All I can do is exist – an existence that seems like it is not mine to be hadContinue reading “My Body, The Cage”
Am I Transgender?
Cramming my Gender Journey into a Nutshell Follow my journey and continue to read my posts to discover how the answer became clear. Forthcoming blog posts may be fragmented, confusing, surprising, and empowering but that rollercoaster is exactly what transition is like. People usually think of “coming out” as an external thing – having toContinue reading “Am I Transgender?”
