They/Them/Theirs

Discovering that there is no right or wrong way to be trans

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There is no right or wrong way to be trans, non-binary or gender non-conforming!  My path from female to male has not been a straight line.  Actually, it hasn’t been a line at all.  Rather, it has been countless dots, like stepping stones off of which I must take a leap of faith.  For years, I thought:

Somewhere in the depths of my heart, I think I am male but I also feel unable to bite the bullet on becoming him until I no longer look and sound like her.  I feel pressure to know exactly who I am so that people will believe me.  Uncertainty on my end, can be dismissal on their end.    Hesitation on my end, can be disbelief on their end. 

Nonetheless, non-binary and gender-neutral pronouns – they/them/theirs have served as a buffer and offered some wiggle room without automatically putting myself into the opposite box – male.  I’ve avoided that box with all of its definitions, expectations, and limitations and most of all, the death grip that society has on them.  To some extent, I have enjoyed being undefined-floating around in a land of non-conventional everything and defying norms.  Part of me isn’t ready to give up that defiance and disapproval of the binary. 

But, the nagging desire to be seen as a guy persists.  Who says that I’d have to be a guy that conforms to all of society’s standards?  I absolutely don’t have to be someone that society wants me to be if I don’t want to, as a girl or as a guy or anything in between.  It is not my responsibility to be the person they want to like.  I am not their clay to mold.