Discovering that there is no right or wrong way to be trans
There is no right or wrong way to be trans, non-binary or gender non-conforming! My path from female to male has not been a straight line. Actually, it hasn’t been a line at all. Rather, it has been countless dots, like stepping stones off of which I must take a leap of faith. For years, I thought:
Somewhere in the depths of my heart, I think I am male but I also feel unable to bite the bullet on becoming him until I no longer look and sound like her. I feel pressure to know exactly who I am so that people will believe me. Uncertainty on my end, can be dismissal on their end. Hesitation on my end, can be disbelief on their end.
Nonetheless, non-binary and gender-neutral pronouns – they/them/theirs have served as a buffer and offered some wiggle room without automatically putting myself into the opposite box – male. I’ve avoided that box with all of its definitions, expectations, and limitations and most of all, the death grip that society has on them. To some extent, I have enjoyed being undefined-floating around in a land of non-conventional everything and defying norms. Part of me isn’t ready to give up that defiance and disapproval of the binary.
But, the nagging desire to be seen as a guy persists. Who says that I’d have to be a guy that conforms to all of society’s standards? I absolutely don’t have to be someone that society wants me to be if I don’t want to, as a girl or as a guy or anything in between. It is not my responsibility to be the person they want to like. I am not their clay to mold.