I worried for years that taking testosterone or “transitioning” could be the wrong decision. What if NOT taking testosterone is the wrong decision?
What if I came out to everybody then changed my mind? What if this was a mistake but I had permanent changes? What if I looked in the mirror and hated the person looking back at me?
The fear of regret keeps me up at night.
I’ve been waiting all these years to feel 100% sure. I’m starting to realize that I may not be able to figure all this out; I can’t predict the future, only create it. Taking a leap of faith and letting go of the attachment to good or bad [decisions] might be the only way forward.
We are allowed to change our minds! In fact, we do this every day. None of life is set in stone and permanent, not even life itself. Our identities change and are fluid throughout life so why the overwhelming pressure to force a permanent decision in regards to transitioning? Gender can be fluid. Gender can shift. We stay in relationships until they no longer work. We stay at jobs until they no longer serve us. Transitioning does not have to trap us!
Every day I wake up and decide who I want to be. I get to decide if I want to continue taking testosterone or stop. Do I like the changes or do I not? Am I happy with my decision or do I need to update my course? Changes happen slowly; nobody goes to sleep one night and wakes up in the morning with a full beard! In other words, I have time to process the changes on testosterone.
The unknown is scary. Maybe some things just need to be scary for a while – scary until they are no longer scary.
I started testosterone on December 19, 2017, a decision that ended up being the best decision I ever made. I never second guessed myself after that. Today I feel liberated.
I knew that if I didn’t try it, I’d always wonder what it would have been like. I didn’t want to die one day having missed the opportunity. That would have been the only real mistake.