Dear Dad, I Still Need You.

It’s lonely being transgender and feeling estranged from your parents.  I want to feel accepted and loved unconditionally.  I wish you could see that I am still the same human you have always known.  I might look different but inside I am still your little child.

I realize that I sit here listening to music every night through headphones, just like you always have. Rocking chair. Your favorite cat. Your cigar. This is how I always see you in my mind’s eye.  What you are thinking, I wonder.  Even though you don’t say much, I know that you know -the world, and see right through it.  Your intuition transcendes words and this is where our minds meet.

Stood by me, you always did.  You understood the inner me, even when others did not and held my hand when I cried and held it even when I pretended that cut didn’t hurt.    No matter from which height I fell, you caught me.

While fishing, you told me fish didn’t have feelings and I believed you. 

No matter the exterior, the shield, the wall that I put up, you saw clear through to the core – always that little child on the inside that wore grown-up shoes and a smile.

Did I lose this when I stopped being daddy’s little girl?

Dear Dad,

Little girls aren’t the only ones that need you to hold their hand and promise that everything will be ok.

You always came to my rescue.

Please don’t let me disappoint you.

Please still be the person who tells me everything will be ok.

Always felt like YOU thought I hung the moon in your sky. I hope you still think that.

I am that daughter.  I am the son. I am the adult that feels like a child that still thinks YOU hung the moon and all my bright stars,

In my entire universe. Maybe I am the son that still needs you like a daughter, the son that still needs you to worry about me,   the son that needs you to teach me how to be a great man like you.

My favorite photo of me and my dad. Watching the rain from the porch was one of our favorite things.

2 thoughts on “Dear Dad, I Still Need You.

  1. i loved this. I an estranged from my parents and while I didn’t help my cause afterwards with my blog posts, I have tried to reach out and apologize for them. Maybe they will read the emails telling them that I still want to try and reconcile…

    Like

    1. Thank you for reading. My parents overall support me. I know they always love me no matter what. Being estranged is more of a “feeling” I had. People don’t always know how to react, what to say, or how to deal with a child coming out as transgender. This uncertainty can manifest as distance which lack of communication perpetuates. So yeah, I totally support your reaching out to your parents! I’m sure it’s a two-way street though – both of you will have to “try”. Sometimes when I am contemplating a decision, I ask myself, “If they passed away tomorrow, would I regret not reconciling?” What kind of regret wold we live with? Sending good vibes your way, good luck!

      Liked by 1 person

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