My Body, The Cage

The true miracle of the body is hidden below the surface and so easily forgotten.

I want my body to change so bad that my soul hurts.  Screaming inside, I feel helpless, inside this body that is my cage.  Stranded at a loss; I can’t move. I don’t want to talk.  All I can do is exist – an existence that seems like it is not mine to be had at all.  I cover things up. I hide things, I walk through life, the world seeing what I am not. 

Wake up in a costume.  Go to bed without out taking it off.

This Body– my outward appearance – it is not me but I’m hopelessly attached to it.  Rather, it is attached to me.  This costume: You’ve been fastened to my insides with tiny staples that pierce my skin and slowly bleed me out, painfully reminding me that you are not mine.  You itch, and prick, and rub my skin raw, yet keep my insides just barely living.  Escape, I cannot.   Comfortable, you never are.  Tiny beads of blood fall from the corner of my eye, tears that nobody sees.

It is as if there has been some huge cosmic mix-up and the difference between my image in the mirror and my image in my mind’s eye, is a glitch in quantum existence, and I’m looking at myself through a parallel universe.  And this is how I walk through life – a breach in perception, a fluke in human comprehension.

Take me away from this.  It hurts too much.  You trap me, BODY and I am suffocating!  Tears, take me away.  It hurts too much.   BODY, you grow on my soul like a cancer and you’re killing me.  BODY, you are a liar, a fraud, a delusion that makes me feel crazy.  

Music, take me away…

BODY, you generic, ambiguous, meaninglessly, meaningful word!

BODY, you are just my outer shell.

You might be the first thing that everyone sees, the thing by which they judge and gender me.

But,

EARS, you let me hear this beautiful music and for that, the rest of my body is forever indebted to you.  All these beautiful, musical moments of intensity, that music shared with my heart; BODY, you can’t take these from me. 

LEGS, you have walked me through many adventures, making me feel ALIVE in this world.  Millions of footprints towards my dreams.

BREATH, you have breathed into me, life.  Through you, I  have felt kisses that pulsated through my body, my senses making my body irrelevant.  

HEART, through you, I felt love and gave love to those who had none, and felt compassion and empathy that persevered through fear.

HANDS, because of you, I was able to reach out and shake the hands of those who were invisible to everyone but me.

EYES, thanks to you, this beautiful and hideously flawed world, I see through.  I notice everything, and through you, I paint a world that is unique to me and I see beauty in everyone.  I see tiny ants moving mountains then I feel the existential existence of all humanity.

MIND, you have given me the power of thought, decision, reflection, and introspection and through you, I can choose to inspire others, choose love over hate and imagination over stagnation. BODY, you are not my cage; you are a subjective vehicle by which I travel this world and you will not stop me from rising above. 

The world needs my EYES, my BREATH, my LEGS, my MIND, my HANDS, and above all else, it needs my HEART.

Being transgender before fully medically transitioning feels like wearing a costume that you are unable to take off.

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